wolfgirl1618

One Goodbye

It was easy to slip away in the midst of Alice’s elaborate wedding preparations. She had stopped asking for my input when I suggested Bloody Marys as the reception cocktail.

“What?” I’d asked defensively at her incredulous look. “No one will get the joke.” Since then, she’d forwarded all inquiries about the ceremony’s various details to Esme.

Now I could hear her down the hall with Rosalie debating whether to use cream or blush-colored satin for the bridesmaids’ dresses. I rolled my eyes and stole quietly out the back door, knowing I wouldn’t be missed in the flurry of lilies and taffeta.

The only bad thing about the reprieve from the wedding plans and the tug of an uncertain future is being alone with my thoughts. I tried to keep my mind blank as I trudged along the muddy forest path, but as always, the guilt and pain caught up with me.

I was hurting Edward so much these days. I’d attempted to throw myself into the wedding plans, to eagerly anticipate the day that Edward would be my husband, but he could read the falseness in my smiles better than anyone, so I stopped trying.

I was also trying, without much success, not to think about him. I never said his name anymore, but I still dreamed of fever-hot skin, infectious smiles and callused fingertips clinging to my waist with love and desperation. Edward never mentioned it when I woke up, but I saw the pain in his eyes and knew I’d broken my undeclared promise.

I also never mentioned that I could feel every pounding heartbeat in my chest, or that the sound of it seemed like the ticking of a bomb about to detonate.

***

The jangling of the old-fashioned phone on the bedside table woke me. Groggily, I lifted it off the receiver.

“Hello?” I muttered hoarsely, fighting off the disorientation.

“Bella?” a gruff voice that I knew unquestionably was Billy’s inquired.

Beside me, Edward stiffened at the sound. Immediately, I was completely alert.

“Billy, what’s wrong?” I asked automatically. If Billy was calling the Cullens, something had to have gone horribly awry. My hand shook as I waited to hear his answer.

There was such a long pause that I thought Billy had hung up. I heard a deep intake of breath, as if he was steeling himself.

“Bella, Jacob is gone.”

I couldn’t breathe. It felt like an iron hand was squeezing my chest, making it impossible to inhale. I gasped wildly, trying to get a hold of myself. Edward was in front of me so quickly that I didn’t even feel his weight leave the bed. He was brushing my hair back from my face and caressing my cheeks, his eyes frantic. I found myself wondering absently why his touch did not bring me the comfort it usually did.

“Gone?” I asked in a voice so shaky it didn’t even sound like my own. “What do you mean, gone?”

“He’s disappeared, Bella. The pack have been searching for him all day, but he’s been running ever since last night, and he has too much of a head start. We don’t know what to do.”

I don’t know when during this conversation I had started crying, but I became absently aware of Edward’s cold fingers brushing the tears from my cheeks, his expression so pained I couldn’t bear to look at it.

“W-why would he run away?” I demanded, my voice catching on a ragged sob. “Why would he leave you and the pack? What happened?” I could hear my voice growing more and more hysterical, but I couldn’t seem to care.

“Well, it might have been…” Billy began, hesitating as if he wasn’t sure how much he should say.

“Please, Billy. Just tell me.”

“It…may have had something to do with…a wedding invitation that came for him yesterday,” he finished reluctantly.

My heart stopped beating for a long moment, and Edward’s fingers froze against my face.

“Wedding…invitation?”

“I’m sorry, Bella. I assumed you knew,” Billy mumbled apologetically.

“Don’t worry about it,” I answered in a flat tone. “I’m coming over right now.”

“Bella, I don’t think that’s such a--” Billy began before my trembling hand placed the phone back in its cradle. I turned back around slowly to look at Edward, my breathing harsh and erratic. The words burst out of my mouth before he had a chance to speak.

“You sent Jacob an invitation to our wedding?”

“Bella, I---”

“After I specifically told you not to? Edward, how could you? I told you, very clearly, I believe, that the last thing I wanted was for Jacob to get hurt any more than he already has. I told you I didn’t want him to have to go through that! Why couldn’t you have just once respected my wishes? Especially when it comes to someone as important to me as Jake is!”

Edward looked stricken. He reached out to try and coax me closer, but I sidestepped him. He dropped his hand and tangled it in the bed sheet.

“Bella, I am so sorry. I just knew that if I had been in his position, I would have wanted to be given the choice. I didn’t know he would react this way. Bella, please forgive me. I was trying to do the right thing.”

I couldn’t respond. I suddenly tasted blood in my mouth and realized I’d been biting the inside of my cheek while he’d been speaking. I swallowed convulsively and concentrated on breathing steadily. After a moment, I stomped across the room to the dresser and reached for the keys to my truck.

Edward had crossed the room and taken a gentle hold of my wrist before I could grasp them.

“Bella, where are you going?”

I didn’t look at him.

“I said before, I’m going to La Push. I have to find Jacob.” Edward let go of my wrist.

“I don’t think there is anything you can do. Billy said the pack hasn’t been able to find him, and they’ve been tracking him ever since he left. What more can you do?”

I slowly turned and locked eyes with him.

“Whatever I have to. I’ll call you later.”

Then I turned and walked out of the house without once glancing over my shoulder.

***

My hands were slippery on the wheel as I drove toward the boundary line. I was more nervous than I had ever been about going to La Push. Every other time I’d been there, I’d been welcomed by almost everyone, but what kind of reception could I expect now? I’d broken Jacob’s heart, and now I’d been the cause of his running away. I prepared myself for the almost certain reality that I would be despised by the people I had considered close friends.

I tried ineffectually to keep myself calm as I pulled into the driveway of the small red house. Of course, the first memory that came to my mind as I brought the truck to a stop was the last time I had seen Jacob. I closed my eyes, remembering so clearly how warm I had been cradled against him; how I had felt alive in a way that was hard to think about now.

I heard a metallic tapping that I couldn’t identify. I looked down to see that I’d been drumming my hand against the dashboard in an effort to soothe myself. Almost involuntarily, I brought that hand closer to my face to look at it. The ring Edward had given me sparkled even in the silvery light of the cloudy morning. It looked even more out of place there today than it usually did. After a minute of staring at it blankly, I slid it off my finger and placed it in the front pocket of my jeans.

With a sigh, I climbed out of my truck and started toward the front door of the tiny house that somehow looked intimidating now. I knocked timidly against the worn wood, and I heard Billy’s wheelchair rolling towards the entryway.

“Come in, Bella,” he called in a resigned tone. I pushed open the door and saw him looking at me warily. I waved timidly.

“Hi, Billy. Any word on Jake?” Billy sighed and gestured for me to sit down. I felt yet another pang as I looked at the little loveseat where I’d spent so much time with Jacob.

“Sam says they’ve been all through the mountains. They’ve picked up his scent, but he’s pretty good at leaving false trails by now. Quil and Embry have been trying to convince him to come back, but he ignores them whenever he hears them in his head. They don’t know what to say to persuade him.”

I stood up slowly, and Billy looked up at me curiously.

“What if I send him a message through the pack? Would they be able to convey it through their thoughts?”

Billy’s eyebrows furrowed in disapproval.

“What kind of message, Bella?” he asked suspiciously.

“I really don’t know. But it might be enough to change his mind.” I set my car keys on the couch and started towards the door.

“I think I’ll go for a walk. I have some…decisions to make.” Billy nodded curtly, and I strode out the front door.

I was crying before I was ten feet away from the house; helpless tears that kept coming despite my efforts to stem them so I could think clearly. I had never despised myself so absolutely as I did at this moment.

I was hurting so many people. Good people, who didn’t deserve it. Why couldn’t I ever make a decision and stick with it? I had been so sure that what I wanted most in the world was to spend eternity with Edward, to be a part of the Cullen family. And yet, ever since I’d made that choice, I’d been constantly haunted by the other life I could have had. I could still see it, painfully clear beneath my eyelids. Nights spent at the always-chilly beach, warm with Jacob at my side. Spending time with the pack, and all the people at La Push I’d come to love like family. Having Jacob’s children. And finally, being with someone who could grow old with me, changing as the years passed and loving each other unconditionally.

I thought back to the story that Rosalie had told me. She had been careful to emphasize what was missing from the existence I had chosen, telling me that she loved Emmett, that he made her complete, but that they would never have their own family. They would never be human again.

Did I really want that? Time passing by, altering the people around me with each passing moment but leaving me unchanged and unchangeable? Even if I was with Edward, would that be enough? Now I wasn’t so sure.

On that last day with Jacob, I had told him that I had seen the life we could have had together, and how badly I wanted it. I still wanted it. If I was honest with myself, I knew I would always want it. I was kidding myself if I thought I wouldn’t spend the rest of my existence loving Jacob and wondering what could have been if I’d made a different choice. And in knowing that, I knew what I had to do.

***

After telling Billy I would be back soon to talk with the pack, I drove back to the Cullens; toward Edward, whose heart I would be breaking in a matter of moments. Yet even as I fought back the tears, I knew I had made the right choice. Jacob’s departure had made me see clearly for the first time what life would be like without him. That reality left me with no alternative.

I inhaled sharply as I pulled into the long, forested drive and cut the engine. With a shaky sigh, I pulled Edward’s ring out of my pocket and closed it tightly in my palm. Edward was already in the doorway, worry etched all over his face. I swallowed back the lump in my throat and prepared to rip away a piece of my heart.

Edward was at my side before I was halfway to the house. He reached out to pull me to him, but stopped so suddenly that I twitched with surprise. Then I followed his gaze to my left hand. I looked up, sick at the expression on his face as he realized the implications of that simple gesture.

“I’m so sorry, Edward,” I whispered. “More than you’ll ever know. I’m sorry for all my indecision, and for everything I’ve put you through. You deserve so much better.” I paused, not knowing how to go on. Edward stayed silent, his eyes full of sad understanding.

“I wish I could change it,” I went on, my voice cracking, “but Jacob is a part of me now. And losing him like this…it made me realize where I belong. Or…who I belong to. I just wish I’d understood sooner.” Again, I broke off, not trusting my voice. Instead I took his hand and gently placed the ring inside it. He took hold of my hand, clinging to it softly. When he looked into my eyes again, his face was smooth, but I now knew that expression. He only used it to conceal the deepest of despair. A strangled sound tore at my throat, and he held my hand a little tighter.

“I’ve suspected, for a while, that this would happen,” he began. “Ever since you said goodbye to Jacob, you’ve been detached, as if you’re not really with me. I know you love him, and I saw how difficult it was for you to give him up. And I understand, Bella. If he is what will make you happy, then I want that for you. Growing up, growing old, having a family…it’s the life you should have. And Jacob can give you that life.”

He slid his hand out of mine and took a step back. “We’ll be gone by tomorrow, Bella. Go find Jacob.” He moved forward one last time and placed a kiss on my forehead. “Be happy,” he whispered.

And he was gone.

I got back in my truck, wiping away the tears as I drove back to La Push. I could feel the throbbing in my chest, the ache in my temples, but I knew I could survive it now. This time, I would be all right.

***

I tried to keep myself steady as I faced four pairs of dark eyes glaring at me. Sam, Seth, Quil and Embry had been the only members of the pack to show up at Billy’s house after he had made the call. The rest were out searching for Jacob. The only person who seemed to bear me no ill will was Emily, who shot me a sympathetic smile as I entered the room.

“I guess all of you know…why you’re here,” I began cautiously. “I think I can get Jacob to come back.”

Quil stiffened in his chair.

“And why should he listen to anything you have to say, Bella?” Quil replied acidly. “You sent him that wedding invitation. What were you trying to do, rub it in his face? Haven’t you hurt him enough already?”

I bit my lip. I knew they had every right to hate me, but it still stung knowing the depth of their dislike. Worse was knowing I had done nothing to deserve anything better from them. I hoped I could rectify that now.

“I didn’t send him that wedding invitation. Edward did, without asking me. If I had known, I definitely wouldn’t have let him. Anyway…it doesn’t matter anymore. The Cullens are leaving town. I’m not marrying Edward.”

Quil’s hostile expression turned to one of shock. Whatever he had been expecting me to say, it definitely hadn’t been that.

Sam spoke up from his spot at the head of Billy’s table.

“So you’re falling back on Jacob, then?” he snapped, his usual serene expression completely absent from his face. “The bloodsucker left you again and you need Jake to pick up the pieces?”

His words were a slap in the face. I stammered for a moment before I could answer.

“No, that‘s not what happened. Edward didn’t leave me. I left him. For good. But you have every right to be angry. I’ve been grossly unfair to Jacob. And it took him running away to make me realize what I really want. I’m in love with him. He’s more important to me than I ever understood before. I will do whatever it takes to get him home and to earn back his trust, even if I have to do it alone.”

Quil and Embry relaxed their postures after my emotional outburst, and Sam’s expression calmed slightly.

“So what’s your plan, Bella? You know how stubborn Jacob is.”

“I know exactly how stubborn he is. That’s mostly because I’m the same way. My plan is actually pretty simple. Have you still been able to communicate with Jacob through your thoughts?”

Quil sat up straighter.

“You want us to give him a message from you?”

“Not a message. More like…a memory. I was hoping that I could say to all of you what I want to say to him, and you could replay it in your thoughts. That way he’ll know for certain that it’s coming from me, and that it’s not some ploy to get him back home.”

Embry and Quil looked at me apprehensively. Embry stood up slowly.

“Are you sure that’s what you want to do, Bella? Whatever you would have to say to get him home…it seems like something that would be pretty personal between you and Jake. And you want to share it with all of us?”

I nodded. “I trust you. I meant it when I said I would do whatever it takes to get him home. Jacob has to know what he is to me, and that means doing anything I can to show him that I love him and I want him home.”

Sam finally nodded.

“All right, Bella. But if this doesn’t get him to forgive you, then you have to accept it. You’ll have to let him go.”

My tears rose so suddenly at his words that I almost choked on them, but I knew that he was right. Even if I told Jacob how I really felt, there was no guarantee he would forgive me. But Jacob had put himself in the way of grief to make his feelings known to me. I knew in a heartbeat that I was willing to do the same for him.

“I know, Sam,” I replied. “But this is what I have to do.” I crossed the room to sit in the loveseat. I didn’t entirely trust my legs to hold me up.

“I dream about you every night now,” I began. “That started before I learned you were missing. And in every one of those dreams, I’m with you in your room on the day we said goodbye. Only this time I don’t walk out that door. I stay in your arms and I feel perfectly happy and at peace. I would give anything to go back to that place. I know where I belong now, and it’s with you. You were right all along, Jacob. You are exactly right for me. I haven’t done anything to deserve you, and I’ll understand if you don’t want to be with me now. But I wanted you to know that I’ve made my choice. I love you, Jacob. More than anything. Please, come home to me. Come back where you belong.”

My voice caught on the last word, and I pressed my hand to my mouth to keep a sob from escaping. I felt ripped open; exposed and vulnerable. I fought back more tears at the realization that this is how Jacob must have felt putting his heart on the line for me.

I felt Emily sit down beside me and gently put her arm around my waist. I leaned into her shoulder and let the tears fall.

***

Emily and I waited at the edge of the woods, holding hands just like in the dream I’d had so long ago. The pack had fanned out into the woods to connect with Jacob through his mind and deliver my message. Now there was nothing to do but wait.

***

I woke up in Jacob’s bed several hours later. Breathing in his scent on the sheets comforted me instantly. I fell back asleep and dreamed of warm russet fur and intelligent brown eyes.

***

The next thing I was aware of was a warm hand caressing my cheek. I sat up with a start. I could barely make anything out in the darkness of the room, until I saw a brilliant, familiar smile. I was out of bed and in his arms in an instant. Tears stung at my eyes yet again as I felt his fingers running through my hair.

“Jacob,” I breathed into his neck. “I’m so sorry.” I pulled back so I could look at his face.

“Being without you was too hard, Bells,” Jacob whispered. “I would have come back just to see you again, even if you were still with him. But knowing you chose me…it’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“I love you, Jacob. I’m never going to hurt you again. I promise.”

He kissed me then, and I felt his joy radiate through every cell in my body. I knew it would always be like this between us. He was finally home, and now, so was I.